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Its Sunday and very ‘chill-laxed’ here in Goa, especially in Mandrem where I am.  Many stores are closed, the Yoga Teacher Training students are ‘off’ and the beach is lovely.  The beautiful sari-clad Indian ladies who walk the beach selling their wares have had a hayday as there were a dozen of us out there today, many buying sarongs for the beach and anklets.

This week has been more of a settled time. The local Hindu “Diwali” festival of lights was this week.  There are lamp making competitions and lots of candles and lights lit, symbolizing the victory of light over darkness within. As with most holidays, celebrations, food, family and firecrackers are the name of the game.
We had a big celebration with the students here with a lovely Indian outdoor buffet and bonfire on the beach.  The boys at ‘Osaiba’ one of the favourite restaurants are so cute and very kind to us foreigners, putting up will all our foreign behaviours and questions.  I know it is their job to look after us but, really, considering how little they are paid (less than 2000Rs a month…which is roughly 50.00), they definitely go above and beyond in the respect and service they give.  Ever since then, there’s been a deeper sense of connection between the students.  And between myself.

I guess a bit of the Diwali ‘light’ went on inside my own head/heart. During a reflective phone conversation with a friend later that evening, I was metaphorically hit over the head with one of the most important keys in being a fulfilled leader, teacher and person: Give before you get, or simply give first.  And so it goes: big part of this leg of the journey is about learning to give with less and less attachment to outcome.

I know that its something I’ve been brought up with and even mentioned in previous blogs from my last trip here.  I guess as a concept, it is pretty ‘common sense’ but sometimes, to know in the head and to feel in my being/heart can be 2 different things.  Don’t ‘they’ say that the longest distance can be the leap from the head to the heart?  ‘They’ seem so wise sometimes.

Who knows why but in the past, I think I lived my life with the philosophy something like: ‘I’ll go about my own thing, being pleasant to you as you go about your business and you can do the same with me.  I won’t impose my beliefs and you won’t impose yours and we’ll flow along merrily down this river of life.  Ladidadida.  If you give out love to me, I’ll gladly return it!  If not then, I won’t either.  And if you become overbearing, I’ll run the other way.”  Something like that.
I still think parts of that philosophy are appropriate.  But now I feel this perspective hasn’t truly allowed me embrace and live life to the fullest. 

Living life fully isn’t about getting the most toys or being acknowledged and loved all the time.  In experimenting with this philosophy, I feel best not just when I am receiving love from others (though that feels amazing) its when I’m giving love and being love.  This can seem like a bit of a gamble or risk. This, I think, is crucial when one is in a position of leadership, or mentorship or teaching.  Actually, those who live like this ARE natural teachers and leaders, whether formally in the labelled role or not.  To come at life and give of self from a devotional perspective.

I am reminded of the ‘Tonglen’ practice of ‘breathing in all unwanted/pain/suffering, and breathing out compassion.’  Giving out the energy of compassion and love first and foremost has been key in dealing with the challenges of living and the best way to model the yogic/teaching lifestyle. Loving the complaints/fears/questions from students.  Loving the ‘inconveniences’, the misuderstanding, the unrequested critiques.  Practicing my devotion through taking it in and ‘being the change’.  I guess the reflection in all of it this that this week has been WAY more smooth.  Who knows if its actually that the students are more responsive or its just my perception but either way, this is how I want to live my life.  A true leader/teacher celebrates and surrenders to the greatness of others….

Now, as I look back on what I’ve written, I say to myself ‘of course…this only makes sense and why does it take so long to get certain ideas’.  But again, sometimes in life I’ve thought I was doing something but not really been doing it.  Perhaps this theory is coming easier in to action…right there on the brink….
Only time will tell….

I know more challenges lie ahead as it is through challenge that wonderful qualities are most deeply practiced and learned.  I welcome these challenges because they will allow me to be ‘doing’ rather than reflecting on doing.

The irony being that the second I realize I’m doing, I’ve stepped a bit out of my heart and in to my head…
The ebb of the mind and the flow of the heart.

This week, I happened upon a smoother, sweeter wake….
But still riding the wave.
whee….

Tiffany Brulotte

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